All of Your Questions About Batman V Superman Answered

Batman v Superman

Do you understand Batman v Superman? You will.

I hear a lot of people commenting on the upcoming movie Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice and criticizing it’s plot before it even comes out.  Lord help me you people do not have the first clue about Batman.  Or Superman for that matter.  So, as an expert on Batman and at least an average guy on Superman, let’s get to fixing your brain.  I usually stick to political commentary and religious views but this cannot stand.

Here are the main things I have repeatedly heard.

1. Why would Batman be fighting Superman?  Aren’t they allies?

2. It’s just so stupid.  There’s no point in fighting, because Superman will win.

3. Why isn’t Kevin Spacey Lex Luthor?  Why is he being played by that kid from Zombieland?

4. Ben Affleck is Batman?  What were they thinking?

So let’s break them down shall we?


1. Why would Batman be fighting Superman?  Aren’t they allies?

This is my first tip off that you have never read a comic book in your life.  Let’s not forget, comics are the ORIGINAL source material for Batman and Superman.  These movies people keep making are…well…cute by comparison.  75 years of rich history and plot and retconning and rewrites have shaped the characters of Batman and Superman.  

So here’s a brief list of reasons Superman has become Batman’s enemy.

1.  Superman was Ronald Reagan’s lapdog, sent to stop Batman.

2. Superman was made insane by red kryptonite.

3. Superman was taken over by alien/hostile entities.

4. Superman was manipulated or took the wrong side.

5. Superman  was angry and superhuman.

Here’s a brief list of reasons Batman has become Superman’s enemy.

1. Paranoia over the most powerful being in the world going off the rails.

2. Disagreements over direction of the Justice League.

3. Hero vigilantes being outlawed by Reagan and Co.

4. Batman being taken over by hostile aliens/entities (though it’s rare because mind control has time and again proven ineffective against Batman.  He always wins the battle of the mind.  During the interim though, he can wreak some havoc.)

5. Superman from an alternate reality tries to take over, Batman doesn’t allow it. (This can be seen in the desert fight scene in the trailers)

Are you getting the picture?  Murphy’s law applies to comic books.  Anything that can happen, will.  You shouldn’t be surprised when anyone, good guy or bad, fight each other, someone else, a dog, a child.  Fighting is the cake.  The comics are the plate.  And Superman and Batman have locked horns REPEATEDLY over the years.  Haven’t you ever fought with a friend?  In this movie the beef seems to be that Superman is overpowered and poses a potential threat to the world, and Batman is too out of control to be left unchecked.

2. It’s just so stupid.  There’s no point in fighting, because Superman will win.

The following can really be summed up with this panel from Frank Miller’s epic “The Dark Knight Returns.”

Superman got womped by a geriatric seconds away from a heart attack, because that geriatric was Batman.

Superman got womped by a geriatric seconds away from a heart attack, because that geriatric was Batman.

No…he won’t.  I could say “we don’t know what will happen” here, but we do.  Batman wins.  Why?  Batman always wins.  If Rock Paper Scissors were Rock Paper Scissors Batman, there would be no point in playing because Batman would always win.  Given his disadvantages over those with powers, it is very interesting to see HOW Batman wins though.  Whereas with Superman if he won it would be a simple wadding up of Batman into a ball and going on with his day.  But Batman knows he won’t do that, that he’s not a murderer, that he will be pulling his punches.  That’s what he’s going to use against Superman.  The knowledge that he won’t just kill him or destroy him.

Why?  Because Batman has a power that successfully pits him against any foe in the universe, and with superior odds.  You thought Batman was unpowered?  Haha, you silly Billy.

Batman is the peak of human potential.  Strength?  Maxed out.  He can bench press 1100 pounds.  Intelligence?  Probably a perfect score on any IQ test you put in front of him.

And while the strength is easily outdone by any fool with super strength, the IQ has never been matched.

Your only hope of EVER defeating Batman is to catch him off guard.  Because if he has any chance to form a plan.  If he catches you out of the side of his eye, it’s over.  It’s all over.

And good luck sneaking up on Batman.  Good freaking luck.  He is the Detective, as Ra’s Al Ghul calls him.  It’s an aspect of Batman that is forever left out of the movies.  He’s brilliant.  Off the charts brilliant.  In tactics and deduction more than anything.  He is the most dangerous foe anyone will face.  

How will he beat superman you say?  Based on what I’ve seen in the trailers I can make two predictions.

First, the super suit he built is not designed to defeat superman, but to protect him.  He’s going to have to rely on lots of evasion even with that on because Superman is very nearly a god.

Second, he’s popping the cork on some Kryptonite, probably in an aerosolized projectile, the one Superman catches in the final trailer.  He’ll probably say something doofy like “nice shot,” and feel all superior for a moment when POOF it will go all green glowy dust and then Batman will provoke him, and he’ll approach to punch Batman and we’ll see Batman block his shot like in the final trailer.

 

This is the point in the film where I will scream like a school girl at a one direction concert.

This is the point in the film where I will scream like a school girl at a one direction concert.


Blam.  Now Batman is IN the game strength wise. And since Batman is a trained assassin ninja shadow master and Superman is a kid from Kansas when there’s a solar eclipse, his goose is fairly well cooked.

Now, it’s called “Dawn of Justice” so sure, they’ll make up and go fight Doomsday at the end, which, should have been cause for someone getting fired.  That should never have been revealed.  Because basically, as I’ve just told you, I now know the plot of the movie.

3. Why isn’t Kevin Spacey Lex Luthor? Why is he being played by that kid from Zombieland?

For some reason Man of Steel, the superman film from 2013 which actually STARTS the DC “Justice League” franchise, has just skipped people’s mind.  I don’t think a ton of people knew it was a superman movie because they’re not as familiar with the moniker “Man of Steel” as the marketing team thought they would be.

So the last thing in people’s mind is Superman Returns, the 2006 Brandon Routh continuation of the Richard Donner Superman franchise.  That was a bad bad movie.  I like Routh, but hated that script and plot.  Yikes.  Kevin Spacey made an amazing Luthor, but Zack Snyder has basically proclaimed there will be no continuity between this franchise and any other, so they couldn’t hire back Spacey.  

Instead they went with Jessie Eisenberg, who actually does a fairly accurate job of representing a young lex luthor from the comics.  I’m not a fan, but see below:

What a doof.

What a doof.

4. Ben Affleck is Batman?  What were they thinking?

Have you seen him?  In the Batsuit?  Behold.

Batman-in-Colour

That, in case you didn’t know, is the most Batmanny Batman to have ever graced a screen.  I’m not kidding.  Appearance wise he’s better than Bale, better than Keaton, and better than the other three schmucks that played him by miles.  He actually got huge.  Which is awesome.  Bale could have but at the direction of Nolan went for a slimmer less accurate Batman.

You know who would be a good physique for Batman?  Arnold Schwarzenegger. The guy is the peak of human potential.  I’d say Schwarzenegger is the closest we’ve ever seen to Batman.  He’s also as agile as a cat so you’d have to suspend some disbelief…or go with the medium sized Batman that Affleck brings to the table.  I love the way this Batman looks and as far as acting….  

 Affleck has produced some BOMBS.  But he was young, and now he’s not.  And since he’s been not young, he has had an acting and directing career that is…pretty amazing.

 

Argo – Directed, Starred, won Acadamy Award for best picture, and Golden Globe for Best Director

The Town – Directed, Wrote, Starred.

Gone Baby Gone – Directed, Wrote, Starred.


So tell me he doesn’t have the chops!  He’s an amazing actor and though we do have the memory of him being a turd fest in Daredevil seared into our brains, just remember he wrote Good Will Hunting.

And watch the trailers if you still don’t believe me.  Not only is he the most Batmanny Batman, but he’s the most Bruce Wayney Bruce Wayne I’ve ever seen.

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